10/21/12

To my surprise, I enjoyed my summer. I learned a great deal about myself. About coping. About alcohol and its potency when pain is the chaser. With learning comes awareness. I am aware that my mother’s absence will, indefinitely, be present with me. Internal and external.

I fell into Fall after my tears abated like summer rain during a bizarre afternoon of kaleidoscopic skies. The precipitation still lingers in the lofts of my eyelids mimicking anxious grey clouds awaiting to burst. I’ve learned to keep an umbrella in my chest realizing that the deluge always begins from inside.

I needed more distractions. Moving on is only natural. Right? I had to type new resumes. Interviews. In the midst of studying cancer in school. Yea, I went back. How masochistic of me? To willingly remind myself through academic theory of the illness that I saw cause a stillness to the soul most precious to me…

I got a job. Divine doings as unemployment rises. I work where she worked for 11 years. Same building. Same department. Same floor. I cloaked my disbelief in a smile as I walked past cubicles that I remember visiting half my life ago. The manager addressed me by my nickname during the interview. Perfect strangers told me of my mother’s benevolence. The staff treats me as their child. Already. Familiar faces from the funeral. Eager to adopt this orphan as an offer to repay Mama Jo’s kindness. That’s what they called her.

I’m learning that perseverance is pertinent. Mandatory. Required. For the forlorn, scarred, tired and weary. The clothes may not fit as desired at present but I’ll be sporting strength for the remainder of my years. Through prayer and the occasional showers manifested in tears…

-Joekenneth

Nowadays, I find myself in the habit of boiling water for tea. Just like you. The whispering, creaking kettle sounds like the air from your lungs passing through the lambswool lining of your morning larynx. I leave the fire on for a while and listen to your daily dissertation detailing the benefits of drinking tea. Back then, I’d call it a myth and laugh. You would laugh too. Then we would spar with smiles. My eyes traveled the miles of your face. The plains, hills and valleys. Subdued by the divinity of its scenery. I saw this everyday. Now every sip that I take from this cup reminds me of kissing the earth, rather, kissing the warmth radiating from your cheeks. I sip slow and savor because there will always be tea for later…

-Joekenneth Museau

A package came in your name today. I guess the house is a dead letter office that offers no solace because this is still your home. And every thing—-pulseless, inanimate, unmovable—-knows you belong here.

-Joekenneth

I haven’t shared anything personal with you all lately. And frankly, I haven’t been able to find words with ease as I used to. I’m sitting in my car listening to “Dear Mama.” The song just happened to come on the radio while I’m here feeling down. I lost my ace, my best friend, my mother a month and 13 days ago. On May 14, at this time (11:17pm) I was at the hospital staring at her lifeless soul. I feel like the pores in my skin have been stretched beyond physical boundaries. The moon ain’t got nothing on me. I’m a fragment of a person marred with craters and chasms. Winds blow right thru my torso. I am but a morsel of a man. Minute. Minuscule. These holes have only gotten larger as the days have passed by.

I performed at the Apple Store last night and it was so much love! It was my first public performance since my mother’s passing. I would always practice my pieces at the house and my mom would always say, “when are you going to write a poem for me?” My reply was, “there aren’t enough words for what I’d want to say about you.” Her health prevented her from ever getting the chance to see me perform live. Naturally, before I got on that stage last night all I could do is think about her. She would always tell me to have a great show right before I left the house. She’s the one person on earth that I knew believed in me at all times.

Well, writing this has made me feel a bit better. I don’t have the desire to share anything more at this point. If you got the chance to read this, thank you and be well. Life is precious yet fleeting. Live freely but live with care. Above all, show love like its the only thing you’re capable of doing.

Peace,

Joekenneth